Day Vodka in Canterlot
by Nosfrat
Summary: I'm a random human in Equestria, I'm at the Grand Galloping Gala, and I'm seriously bored. I'm also obsessed with the 'Holding Out For A Hero' song / scene from Shrek 2. How's that for a basic summary? Horrible? Well, that's just too bad. Read at your own risk, this is some seriously weird stuff right there. Rated T for weirdness, randomness, and heavy, non-stop swearing.


**_A/N: This is obviously a parody of both the typical human in Equestria fics, and the 'Holding Out For A Hero' scene in the 2004 movie Shrek 2, which I became quite obsessed with the last few days. With my personal touch of extra cancer and randomness... I did not post this as a crossover because apart from the quotes / references, it doesn't actually have anything to do with Shrek._**

**_Yes, it's originally greentext (second person) I half-assedly converted to prose. And then converted to first person because of the overwhelming amount of hypocritices on a crusade to promote censorship and enforce 'rules' that defy the very concept behind writing fanfictions..._**

**_Anyway since I'm lazy, and since this story was written with the second person in mind, I only changed 'you' to 'I', and that's about it. So now it 'sounds' horrible... Not much I could do about it._**  
**_So yeah, this is cancerous bullshit and no, it's not supposed to make any sense whatsoever. And no, I wasn't drunk when I wrote this. I know, hard to believe._**

**_WARNING: I may not be held responsible for any amount of 'WAT' induced by the following story. Reader's discretion is advised._**

* * *

I am currently at the Grand Galloping Gala, and holy fuck I'm bored.  
Being the only human in this land sucks hard enough as it is, but being surrounded by snob unicorns who do nothing except for talking about how great and fancy their clothes are... And don't even get me started on ponies wearing clothes.  
I'm sitting in a corner, away from any kind of action, and I start drinking. Somehow I had a bottle of vodka in hand when I first arrived in Equestria... And tonight, I'm really glad I saved it until now.

A few hours passed... And I'm drunk. To the point where I can hardly stand up, actually. I see a green pony approaching me, or at least I think it's green. Maybe it just got puked on or something? I'm way too fucking drunk to be analyzing this shit.

Suddenly, things start to move. Everything around me starts to look distorted, and the random green pony looks like he took on a good five feet. He looks like a giant green bipedal thingy, towering over me at what seems to be (in my drunken haze) about eight feet. Which makes me think... I now have an idea to finally redeem the fun I thought I would have when I accepted Twilight's invitation.

Oh boy this is gonna be great. I dig in my pants and finally find it: my one-time-use prestige token. I bring it to eye level, and stare at it. It looks like I'm holding two of them but I'm just being the drunken faggot I've always been back on Earth, so... I simply swallow the damn thing, and suddenly all traces and effects of alcohol disappear. I am now as sober as I could ever possibly be.

And, what I thought to be a ponified Shrek is now gone. But my idea is still here... I jump on my feet, walk up to the dozens of ponies dancing, and I take my pants down. I take a look at my cock and smile.

_"Alright, big fella. Let's crash this party!"_

I start walking in the middle of the dance floor, with my pants on my ankles, exaggerating every step and motion. I'm not even trying to stay in rhythm, I just move like I'm having a seizure or some shit. As I march forward, a random pony spills his beer on me, and drops the can on the ground, frightened by my stature. I respond with an enraged howl, before kicking the beer can, which hits him right in the face.

_"Alright!"_

I go back to moving in a way that would make anyone familiar with dancing roll in their motherfucking grave. Even if they're not dead.

I'm 'dancing' way too hard by now, and I start feeling like I'm about to enter... **HYPER MODE**. Or some other shit.  
I look at the ponies around me, and I throw up my arms in a dramatic fashion.

_"Brace yourselves!"_

I start thrashing around, throwing wild punches and kicks, knocking out random ponies who are getting too close to me, either to try and contain me, or simply because they're dancing as well. By now I could swear that I'm hearing Jennifer Saunders singing, and not Vinyl Scratch pumping out her wubs.

I wander off course and eventually get too close to the main door, and I finally trip over my damn pants. I throw a hand forward, reaching for the doorknob in hopes of grabbing it and maintaining my balance, but my weight pulls me backwards and I fall on my ass, the door opening before me.

I see Princess Celestia at the far end of the room I just 'opened', and I get up, smirking. I look at my cock, which is wobbling around because I don't have pants anymore.

_"After you, Mongo."_

I enter the room and tell the two guards next to me that they should go, because their ladies need them. They don't seem to quite pick up on whatever the fuck it is I'm talking about, but they run out of the room nonetheless. The princess is looking at me, and if I could read her expression, I would estimate it to be somewhere along the lines of_ 'holy fucking shit nigger are you being one hundred percent serious at this very moment in time?'_.

Her two royal guards approach me, as she levitates her cup of tea and takes a sip, smiling. As they're about to strike, I kneel down and give them puppy eyes. They stop dead in their tracks, because apparently what was once a threat to the lives of royalty, can suddenly turn into something anyone would want to hug by a simple change in facial expression. Unfazed by their reaction, I get up and scream.

_"En garde!"_

Before they can react, I have already bitchslapped both of them with my cock. They're running away, but whether it's from humiliation or fear (or disgust, or laughter, or pain or whatever), I don't know. I don't know either why I never got laid before, my junk is clearly overpowered. Speaking of before, my ass would totally be in jail already back on Earth...  
But right now, I'm having the time of my life. They're gonna have to kick me out of this bitch.

Sadly it all comes to an end when the princess starts using her magic to levitate me around and sit me down next to her. Because -asking- me to come closer and sit down beiside her would be too **[spoiler]**_manestream_**[/spoiler]**.  
She takes another sip of her tea, and smiles at me.

_"Thanks for keeping me entertained... The gala is always so boring."_

What the actual shitsmearing fuck.

_"Would you like to come to my room? I have a special treat for you."_

This solar bitch for real? She wants me? Oh fuck yes. I nod wildly, grinning like the filthy horsefucker I am. She motions for me to follow her, and I comply. Soon enough I'm sitting on her bed, with her. I don't know how the hell she, being a pony / horse / whatever, manages to -sit down-, but I don't exactly give a shit. I look at her, and I start feeling her up.

I'm violently pushed backwards by her magic. She gives me a stern look, before frowning.

_"Now I don't know what kind of twisted things you had in mind, but this is not what I meant by special treat..."_

She levitates two cups of tea and a large chocolate cake with a fuckton of pink frosting, and lay them down on a table nearby. She motions to it, letting me know that if I was expecting anything other than a slice of cake, well... I got another thing comin'. I nod weakly and smile awkwardly, now feeling like a complete homo. Not wanting to piss her off, I start drinking and holy mother of fuck I can't fucking stand tea. There's not even a hint of sugar in this motherfucker.  
Things have gone from weak to super weak... And I still have no pants.

Why didn't I save some vodka?

**_Bad ending._**


End file.
